A Weighty Problem
Mary Lenci
I had a routine check up recently and committed what had to be the world's greatest faux pas. After stepping on the scale and having it tell me *The truck weigh in station is down the road*, I asked what I weighed this time last year. Oh my God! I put on 40 lbs in one year! Of course this would explain how I got tennis elbow from eating....But I digest. . . . keep reading
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'Twas the Night!
Mary Lenci
‘Twas 5 days before Christmas, the gifts were not wrapped, I went to my friend’s house while my husband napped. The presents were piled from foot to chin With scissors and tape, I waded right in. . . . keep reading
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Going back
Mary Lenci
Oh wonderful September! Just when you think you're going to be trading in your jeans and sneakers for paper slippers and a hospital gown at Happy Acres - SCHOOL STARTS! Of course this also means I go back to work at the farm and this year there's an added bonus - my friend is working with me! Oh yes, things were looking quite bright last week. . . . keep reading
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Romance gone awry
Mary Lenci
Most of us have dating horror stories ranging from being stood up to blind dates gone horribly wrong. If you’re normal, it’s usually the other person’s fault the date was, well for lack of a better word, wrong. Not I! Being ever the pioneer of all things embarrassing onward I forged through dating mistakes and mishaps! . . . keep reading
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Phone Manners
Mary Lenci
Every position I’ve ever held has required some form of telephone interaction. Whether it was reception, customer service or bookkeeping at sometime you’re going to have to communicate with someone over the phone. Simple enough you would think, I mean we all do it all of the time at home don’t we? We start honing this skill in our teen years and most of us have it perfected by the end of our 16th year on this planet much to our parent’s chagrin. . . . keep reading
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Short Sighted
Mary Lenci
Last night I was watching TV with my friend Shawn. During a commercial she switched the channel to a shopping channel. She said “Oh all they’re selling is alarm clocks.” Now, I was looking at the same screen she was and I said “No! Turn it back, it looks like little fireplaces. I want to see them.” “Mary, it’s just alarm clocks.” “I saw little flames.” Giving up she switched back. Well, second times a charm, my vision cleared and it was indeed, digital alarm clocks. “Oh, you were right.” “Well what did you think? They were selling little, tiny fireplaces? What the heck would you do with one? Pull it out of your pocket and put it on a table at parties?” “Yeah! Instant ambiance!” You could also put it on the ledge of your tub when you want to relax.” . . . keep reading
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Anatomy 101: What every new mother should know
Mary Lenci
I had my first child when I was twenty years old. Although I had been around babies my entire life, I hadn’t had much experience with male babies. After being introduced to my beautiful new baby boy and all the niceties were exchange between myself and my husband (I believe the exact word exchange was *Eeewww! What’s wrong with his nose?* to which my husband replied *He looks like he fell out of an airplane!*) we settled into our roles as new parents. . . . keep reading
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Stupid Parent Tricks
Mary Lenci
My father loved a good practical joke and he didn’t care who he targeted, it seemed as if no one was safe where he was concerned. His boss like to gossip and as they worked in a building where many wealthy and famous people lived, there was always rumors flying around. One day my father, his boss and an elderly tenant were riding the elevator together. When the man got off on his floor, my father turns to his boss and says “Don’t let anyone know I told you this, but that man’s an octogenarian.” Knowing full well his boss’s penchant for spreading rumors and gossiping and also his lack of rudimentary vocabulary skills he steps off the elevator leaving his boss to savor this juiciest of all information. . . . keep reading
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Stupid kid tricks
Mary Lenci
“Open your mouth and close your eyes and I will give you a BIG surprise!” Now, growing up in my family and knowing full well our tendency to play tricks on one another, also keeping in mind that we had no money or extras to speak of, one would think my sister Patty would have shied away from actually complying with this request. “OK!” her eyes slammed shut and her mouth flew open, watering in anticipation of what surely would turn out to be a delightful tongue tantalizing treat. Instead, she was treated to me placing what had to be the largest wooly caterpillar on record in her mouth. Her eyes flew open, large with horror and revulsion as the caterpillar crawled on her tongue. Spitting it to the floor and screaming her head off she ran into the house to tell my father. The subsequent beating I received was totally worth it, especially because to this very day she has never forgotten it and still gets totally grossed out by the memory. . . . keep reading
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Through the Window
When I was growing up there was no internet, windows were the only information super highway needed and I don’t mean Bill Gate’s invention. I’m talking about good ol’ fashioned wood casement windows. Windows had it all – they were faster and more reliable than today’s internet. You never had slow response times due to heavy traffic, the server never went down (unless you pulled it down) and more importantly, it was free! Just boot up (open your window) and you had instant access to news (The cops are arresting some guy on the corner!), instant messaging (Mary! Meet me at VanCortlandt Park at 8!), chat capabilities, downloading (“Mom! Can we have a quarter for icecream?” “Mary! Throw down one of your father’s meatballs!”) and entertainment The open window has left me with many a fond memory of all manner of stupidity and ill conceived plans to cure boredom and as I’ve absolutely no desire to protect the not-so-innocent, I’m going to share a few. . . . keep reading
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What bugs me
Mary
I hate bugs. There, I said it. Bugs absolutely gross me out more than anything on this entire planet, probably because they’re unpredictable. The mere thought of a bug landing in my hair will cause me to shiver so fiercely that if I were to stand in a tub of cream you’d have a tub of butter in no time flat. I think they know this too. Somehow the word has gotten out in their little insect network that I’m an easy mark. “Hey fly! You only have 24 hours to live, why not spend it laughing? Go land in that woman’s hair and when she reaches up to scratch her head and touches you, watch her run around her yard pawing franticly at the spot and screaming until she finally jumps head first into her pool with all her clothes on! Then just for a few added giggles, when she emerges from the water, land in her hair again!” . . . keep reading
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Typhoid Mary Strikes Again
Mary Lenci
I have become the Typhoid Mary of stupidity with only one exception: whereas the original was merely a carrier, I am also the afflicted. I, much like the original Mary, remorselessly spread this debilitating disease of the mind to all who come into contact with me. While Mary was limited to contaminating unsuspecting souls by direct contact, with the introduction of such modern marvels as the telephone and the internet my reach is global. If you’re all not very careful his could become a world wide pandemic of stupidity and can strike any individual regardless of sex, age or race. Symptoms of this most heinous of afflictions include: . . . keep reading
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Here We Go 'Round In Circles
Mary Lenci
Last Saturday I attended a bridal shower which on the surface sounds like a wonderful way to spend a morning: Having brunch with family and friends and surprising the bride-to-be with an abundance of . . . keep reading
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Thank God I Refilled My Prescription Eh?
Mary Lenci
OK, so today is the second day of my children's week long Spring Vacation. I don't know why the Board of Ed doesn't just drop the pleasantries and call it what it really is: *101 ways to put your moth . . . keep reading
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Mensa, Here I Come!
Mary Lenci
OK, so I went to the doctor's the other day for an exam. What a comedy of errors! First I go up to the receptionist and say *I have an appointment for an exam* She says *Why* M . . . keep reading
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I've Become Thrifty!
Mary Lenci
Yesterday was wonderful, my friend Heather and I accompanied 10 kids to Nintendo world in Rockefeller Center, NYC. It was GREAT fun for the kids, but like every outing there's ALWAYS somethin . . . keep reading
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